...I'm okay with being REALITY-based.




Tuesday, June 03, 2003
      ( 12:28 PM )
 
Mama Milestone

You may have noticed a slight change at the top of my blog today. Yes, that gorgeous child is The Kid. I thought since the original picture was taken this day last year, I would update with a picture taken this year. Today is The Kid's First Birthday. His first one ever. He has lived one entire year on this earth. It is incredible in many ways, and brings many mixed feelings on my part. He is such a good kid, with a really laid-back personality (for the most part). He is developing a nice streak of strong will, and that compliments his fierce independence. It's fun to see him play and experiment with things (his favorite experiment is testing gravity in various situations) on his own. Lately, he's developed a tiny bit of stranger-shyness which he's never had before, but I'm told that is developmentally normal. I get a secret thrill when people come up to us and he turns and grabs my legs if he's walking or nuzzles his face into my neck if I'm carrying him. It's a nice feeling to be the mama, I have to admit.

The one year mark also brings on a lot of self-evaluation on my part. Mostly because that's just the way I am. I've been reflecting a lot on where I am in life and where I thought I would be. I never had any major plans for my life, but I definitely never pictured myself where things are now...being the breadwinner with a child at home, barely scraping by on my income, putting my own dreams of grad school and being a teacher on hold. On the other hand, I also never pictured all the wonderful things I have: a husband who is not only brilliant but a fabulous dad, who is staying home and nurturing our son into a fabulous boy, a home to call our own (dilapidated though it might be) with a yard to play in in a working class neighborhood where my son can grow up surrounded by all different kinds of people, a secure job with health benefits for my family, living parents who are great grandparents and actively participate in The Kid's life, and my own inner dreams and hopes that are different than what they were when I was a younger woman.

This time last year, I was in a lot of pain and taking a lot of drugs to get through it. I had no idea what to expect, I just wanted the pregnancy over with. I was looking forward to meeting the little guy, but mostly I was concentrating on an end of a phase rather than the beginning. It wasn't until the next day (I was in labor for 16 hours and then had to deliver c-section that night) that the beginning dawned on me. Now, a year later, where there was pain is only a feeling of satisfaction that I did my part in the creation process, and anticipation of continuing my part in the raising process of this small human being. It's sobering to realize that every new step, every new word, every milestone this child experiences is in part because of me. I hope that I don't screw him up too bad.

So, in light of today's momentous events, I am taking off early - heading home for an afternoon away from office and computer, away from everyone but my small family. We're going to spend the afternoon in the sun in our little backyard, playing in the little kiddie pool, and then we'll have a special birthday dinner and cupcakes. Sounds like a perfect first birthday to me.

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