...I'm okay with being REALITY-based.




Monday, July 28, 2003
      ( 4:25 PM )
 
Update on the Dad Show

I thought the Talk of the Nation today on stay at home dads was good - especially because I thought the airing of the subject in itself was fabulous for a national talk show. Most of the stay at home dads who called in sounded like they were so relieved someone was acknowledging their existence that they were just happy to be on the show. The guest on the show was Bruce Stockler, who has written a book called I Sleep at Red Lights about his life as a Stay-at-Home-Dad to 4 kids, 3 of them triplets. I think the two major things I took away from listening to the various dads were (1) you can't expect that Stay-at-Home-Dads (SAHDs) have the same issues or needs as stay at home Moms, and (2) there isn't anyone doing any research or studying on it, so any "official" conclusions about the issue are pretty weak. On the second point first, there was a brief interview with a statistician or researcher on familes, but basically she had no solid findings at all about SAHDs. One question that was asked was are there any findings about kids who are raised by a SAHD as opposed to a Mom? I felt this question was a little strange, and the researcher even responded by saying "well, we never ask that question about moms." Any kid raised by loving parents, no matter if they are in the home full time or not, or no matter which one is in the home full time, is going to have a head start in life. Distinguishing about whether a Dad or a Mom is better is not only a waste of time, but it is terribly short sighted and judgmental.

On the first issue, I found myself thinking a lot about how many SAHDs are forced to participate in "mommy groups" where they are the only man, but for the sake of their children, they go to these things. Also, how many SAHDs aren't necessarily looking for other SAHDs to talk about potty training and cost comparisons of diaper wipes, but for the same kind of friendships they had and desired before they were SAHDs...just time enough to nurture them. As the working mama, I often worry about P feeling isolated and wonder if he should go to "mommy groups" just for the social aspect of it...but those things are not necessary to him. Martin certainly has his pals and isn't old enough for coordinated play anyway. It reminds me of how frustrated I feel when I look for books on fathering and being a SAHD (good luck), and the focus is on how to manage your money for your child's future finances, how to schedule more quality time with your kid, etc. The assumption is always that the Dad is the third wheel (speaking of a one kid family). I hope that exposure like today's call in show will start turning the tide. More than likely, it will need to be books written by the likes of the SAHDs themselves that will point the way toward realistic attitudes and the deserved attention they all should be receiving. I'll get P working on that book... he should be able to fit it in between chasing the poop monster and rebuilding the house, I mean for godsake - he can give up the bonbons and tv once in a while...

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