...I'm okay with being REALITY-based.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004
      ( 5:44 PM )

I realize predictions are a tricky business, but I thought since this is my first New Year's with a blog, I'd try my hand at it and see how it turns out. If any of them pan out - maybe I can go into business with The Enquirer. Here's my best shot. Check back with me next year to see how I did.

January 2004: Dean wins the Iowa Caucuses and New Hampshire Primary. Gephardt, Kerry and Lieberman suddenly morph into one person and declare in a very deep voice that they are the Anti-Dean and they are NOT angry. Meanwhile, the white house, via the Treasury Department, tears apart Paul O'Neill's life, ruins his career and his family and just for good measure, leaks more names of CIA officers to the press.

February 2004: Bitter weather across the nation brings down the voting numbers in the major February primaries. But enough people snowshoe to their voting booths in order to cast their votes for Dean, Edwards and Clark. Unfortunately, they might as well have stayed home, since the Diebold machines they voted on decided instead that Joe Lieberman (or was that Gephardt?) won in every state that held a primary. Meanwhile, broken, rotting 30-year old cans of chemicals are found buried in the desert in Iraq and Sean Hannity almost has a heart attack rejoicing over found WMDs. More soldiers die.

March 2004: Now that Joe Lieberman has taken the lead, Diebold mechanics get lazy, thus Dean wins all the primaries in March. It's too bad he's so ANGRY. Greece announces it won't be ready for the Olympics in August, and could they please have an extension until October - or maybe 2007? The Supreme Court decides, sure, it's fine and dandy to imprison American Citizens without charges for however long John Ashcroft wants. More soldiers die.

April 2004: The Ninth Circuit Court socks it to the Justice Department and declares that Oregonians can have death with dignity if they damned well want it. John Ashcroft cries out that Oregonians are killing old people willy nilly, and there may need to be some martial law considered. Meanwhile, Dean wins other primaries that no one cares about, and democrats start considering how to bus people to the polls in November after hearing the news that Dick Cheney has formed a committee to study how to put multiple roadblocks around voting districts in November. Mama turns 33 and thinks that perhaps the mid-30s aren't so bad. But still, more soldiers die.

May 2004: Oregon holds its Primary. Kucinich wins because Dean has already picked his running mate and Oregonians are nothing if not empathetic for the underdog. Too bad Kucinich dropped out back in March. Paul O'Neill, fresh from 3 months in solitary confinement decides to go on tour with Bono across Europe spouting nonesense about the fascist state that the US has become. Europeans believe him - but who cares? More soldiers die.

June 2004: Oregon schools had to close down early for lack of funds and the Oregon Health Plan has imploded. Mama's little baby turns 2 years old. Pro-Bush ads start running during primetime showing George Bush in a flight suit landing on Mars with the voice over: "Isn't it time we had a president who ruled the universe?" Iraqis elect a Muslim government and decide they really don't care for democracy or the occupying invaders. The troops decide en mass to just get the hell out of there.

July 2004: A new plan is hatched to get the state back on its feet. On June 4, Oregon announces that it controls Weapons of Mass Destruction (in the Umatilla Chemical Weapons Depot) and declares war on the U.S. The white house orders an invasion and troops invade and occupy Oregon, setting up temporary headquarters in Eugene (Because Rumsfeld couldn't figure out where the old capital was). This proves dangerous for occupying troops when the Eugene anarchists organize small, separate attacks on barracks after dark. To calm the situation down, Bush orders up $67 billion dollars to rebuild Oregon, and the federal government gets rid of our chemical weapons, rebuilds our schools and health system and gives all of us jobs. Now THAT'S what I call a sound fiscal plan. More troops arrive home after hitchiking from Iraq.

August 2004: Lots of people go to Greece for the Olympics anyway. It's hot and the gypsies steal everything. Tony Blair is suddenly ousted from office when the Labor Party sees the light and actually uses its power for good. The European Union take a page from England's book and actually pass a Constitution and form a combined military power. NATO is abolished - for lack of good secretarial help. Ariel Sharon decides to drop all pretenses, invades the West Bank and Gaza, makes all Palestinians wear red crescent moons on their jackets and begins to ship them to Africa. Bush recommends that Sharon be nicer.

September 2004: Labor Day sees millions of Americans who have been out of work for upwards of three years decide to just forget trying to find a job and squat on the steps of the Capital in Washington, DC. Unfortuately, Congress is still out on its extended summer vacation doing world tours and can't be there to pay attention. Oregonians excitedly start the school year with new federally-funded textbooks that declare "Lewis and Clark stopped in Oregon, but just long enough to declare that it was stupid and rained too much." Michael Jackson's trial is moved up to the temporary quarters of the new Moon Base so that the jury pool won't be tainted.

October 2004: As the election looms closer, voters begin to feel some apprehension about the threats they are receiving in the mail that tell them that not only will the Diebold voting machine record their vote, but it will record THEM and they better not vote the wrong way. Novak declares on Crossfire that Dean was a CIA officer - but that just makes Dean ANGRY and Novak actually gets the smack down - literally. The first ever Annual Liberal Blogger Convention takes place in the Shasta Mountains of California. So far, the governor has not paved that part of the state yet to make it more accessible for his Hummer. The conventioneers vow to continue to speak out and speak the truth. They are promptly imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay as soon as they leave the building.

November 2004: Dean wins the national election by a very respectable margin. Bush cries but Cheney gets ANGRY and demands a recount. There can't be a recount though, because the Diebold machines didn't produce paper receipts of the votes, so there's no way to go back and count them again. The entire administration suddenly disappears into the secret caves they built after 9/11 and the SHADOW GOVERNMENT emerges. Dean's transition team can't even step into the DC area because of a forcefield that has been set up. Dean decides to govern from Baltimore (it's close to the original capital and has a great baseball stadium).

December 2004: Rumsfeld comes out of hiding and demands a military coup. The military has already packed up and gone home - so no help there. Rumsfeld mutters something about France and goes back into hiding. The Christmas season approaches and people suddenly start realizing that 2005 might be a very good year. Bush decides that he's tired of hiding and goes back to Kennebunkport - he's done with Crawford, too many bugs. Cheney won't give up, but no one can find him, so the story dies a slow death. It wasn't all that bad of a year - at the end of December the WB announces that due to its complete annoyance with the daily letters and phone calls from ANGRY fans, Buffy will return to the airwaves in January.

So we'll see what happens. Meanwhile - Happy (belated) New Year and may this one bring peace to our world, joy to you and yours and brotherhood for all mankind. (It doesn't hurt to hope!).

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